and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize