Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
