sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
