I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
