yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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