your parents love me but you hate me
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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