I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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