Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
