I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
