I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
