i think i have two assholes
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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