The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
