i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
