Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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