you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
