You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
