i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I smell like Dick and happiness
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