Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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