In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
