if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
