My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
