I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
