What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
