you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
