Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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