This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
