This is not my ceiling
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!