if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
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It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
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You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.