i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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