I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
