Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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