I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
