He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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