I didn't shave. On purpose
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
