on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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