You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
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The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
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When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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