This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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