If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
