if i can run in heels then i can drive
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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