That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
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You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
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New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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