So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
