Jerry, you need to find god
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize