Where did you get a picture of my penis
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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