remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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