Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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