I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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