why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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