Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I smell stomach acid.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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