I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
