Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
