so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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