i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
