the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
